Based on my knowledge and experience:
(1) The 861 upgrade cost depends on the age of your 861. Mine was old enough it had to go to England and thus cost somewhat more. The upgrade gives you a lot more DSP power with the new DSP cards and an IE42 input card. If you do nothing else, this upgrade will be noticeable sonically and will make your 861 ready for future improvements that the 861 will make. Still, without the companion 800 upgrade you will be missing out on a lot of what the combination can do.
(2)Your OA12's can work with the new 861 but I was told you cannot mix and match new output cards with older cards. Therefore all OE12 or all OE13.
(3) Both. With version 3, Meridian has made it much more attractive to have all version 3. Version 3 800 upsamples within the player and transmits through the digital link for all modes, not just DVD-A. With the IE42 card of the version 3 861, you get the entire performance capability.
(4) Bought my 800 version 3 new so I cannot compare it to the older version. It is supposed to be better picture quality, the much enhanced user interface of version 3 and the sonic improvements mentioned in (3.
(5) Front fascia changes are extra (I believe they cost $1,495). The change is very minor. Save your money here.
I know it is not inexpensive to change both, but I would recommend you do it if you at all can. You will not be disappointed!